Really bad phone customer service...

This is a (partial) treatment for a radio play.

We begin with standard ringing you hear when you're waiting for someone to pick up the phone. It rings about 7-8 times. An IVR (interactive voice response) system picks up the phone.

IVR: Thank you for calling Mythical Care. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Press 1 for Spanish service. Para Englais, o prima el numero dos.
we hear the DTMF tone for 1

IVR: {Stuff in Spanish}

Caller: Ah, damn it!
hangs up loudly, then DTMF tones for the Mythical Care line.

IVR: Thank you for calling Mythical Care. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Press 1 for Spanish service. Para Englais, o prima el numero dos.
we hear the DTMF tone for 2

Caller (grumbling): Stupid piece of crap. {other unintelligible words}

IVR: Your call is important to us, please stay on the line, and the next available Interactive Voice Agent (tm) will be with you.
elevator music starts to play

Caller (confused): What the hell?
elevator music continues for about one minute then:

IVR: Due to extremely high call volume your wait time will be approximately 30 minutes. Please stay on the line and an agent will be with you as soon as possible.
elevator music for a few seconds, then abruptly ringing. About 4.5 rings.

Agent (same voice as IVR): Thank you for calling Omnicare, uh, I mean Mythical Care. My name is James, how may I help you?